Copyright 2012 Nouk Sanchez
In the ‘special’ relationship dynamic we might be tempted to make a habit of meeting another’s needs. And this is okay provided we review our deeper intent. Because the intent beneath the so called loving and caring acts of the ego, are fueled by fear and deprivation; and not by Love.
If I am unable to give to myself, if I am unable to be myself, if I am unable to express my vulnerability, if I am unable to forgive myself, and if I am unable to meet my own needs…then how in the world can I meet another’s needs?
If I do not yet know myself and I attempt to play the role of meeting another’s needs, then I will eventually harbor resentment that will lead to inner and outer conflict. This is how the unconscious ego works. I want to be loved and cherished so I decide to give as much as I can. I may even try to make myself indispensable. But what I’m doing is placing a ‘false-self’ between us in this relationship. Let’s call it the ‘doer’. The ‘doer’ is the pseudo face I present as me. And that’s the face I want others to see and admire, and depend upon. But where then am I, while the ‘doer’ runs around meeting other’s needs? Who is present here within me, with mindful awareness honoring the real Self… while I have abandoned myself in order to be the ‘doer’?
The ‘doer’ then, would be an image the ego uses to shield myself from recognizing the real Love that I am; and that others are. Because eventually I will become resentful of the ones I love when they don’t appreciate or reciprocate my loving acts. I will say that I am not loved. But I am not the ‘doer’! I am the Holy Self beneath this façade.
Fearing rejection, especially when challenged to relate from an authentic and vulnerable place within, I will project the ‘doer’ as my false identity. And then when others do not SEE me, acknowledge me and meet my needs, I will feel ignored, betrayed or abandoned. Yet…it must be me who abandoned myself first. In truth, I could never be rejected, betrayed or abandoned had I not rejected myself first.
When the ego is trying to meet another’s needs, then it’s the ego’s needs that we are meeting. And not the Holy Self.
When we rush to meet another’s needs, ask first, “What is this for?” “What is my intent beneath this?” “Does it come from Love and trust?” “Or does it come from fear and doubt?” We cannot really meet another’s needs truly, until we have learned to meet our own. We cannot give to another what we don’t yet recognize we already have within our Self.