From The End of Death, Volume Two – HOLY RELATIONSHIP 

Copyright 2017 Nouk Sanchez

Relationships in particular are one of the first areas to undergo significant shifts and changes when we begin applying the principles of A Course in Miracles. Initially there is a period of disorientation as we give our relationships to spirit to be divinely re-purposed from special to Holy Relationship. The cause of this initial disruption is the abrupt shift in the relationship’s goal.

The former goal of separation disguised as specialness, was achieved through judgment, blame, shame and guilt. But when we sincerely desire a Holy Relationship the Holy Spirit replaces our original goal with its complete opposite – union as guiltlessness (innocence) achieved through quantum forgiveness (Click here for the 7 Essential Principles of Quantum Forgiveness)

Because the goal of our relationship is now diametrically opposed to its original intent we go through a period of acute disorientation as the previous “means” we used to achieve the old goal of specialness clearly does not serve the relationships new and divine purpose. Patterns of sacrifice, inauthentic communication, exclusivity, playing small, people-pleasing, blame, conditional relating, etc, clearly must be released.

So there is a period where we’re not yet familiar or comfortable with exercising authentic communication for fear of rejection and loss. We flip flop between trying to apply unconditional forgiveness and the old regimes, dysfunctional communication and guilt trips. This wild fluctuation of goals and means makes the relationship seem unbearable at times. (NOTE: I cover this period in more detail later on in The End of Death, Vol. Two – Holy Relationship)

Another issue I cover later in this book examines a common challenge many on this spiritual path face. And that is being in close relationship with others who are either disinterested or object to this teaching. These relationships, where we seem to have separate goals, can be excellent classrooms in which we learn to recognize our own hidden projections in others so that we can forgive them completely. These kinds of relationships are very valuable especially in the initial stages of awakening (called “The Development of Trust” in the Course).

In the earlier period of our journey through the six stages of the development of trust (see Manual for Teachers, 4.) we are prone to confusing “form” and “content” in our relationships. Still heavily invested in the mistaken belief that specialness is Love we naturally find it difficult to make a meaningful distinction between form and content.

The ego is addicted to specialness and mistakes it for Love. It is addicted to the “rules of specialness” by which it determines appropriate and inappropriate demonstrations of Love, compassion and caring…but this is ego “love” spelled with a small “l”. The ego cannot know, give or receive Love and this is why so many relationships seem to fail.

Special love arises from guilt and values sacrifice, guilt and judgment as its basis. Yet sacrifice, guilt and judgment are opposite of Love and are not part of God. Thus specialness is devoted to the rules, conditions, rituals, roles and forms that our special relationships take. They do not aim at recognizing the innocent and changeless spirit of the person we relate with.

Rules, conditions, rituals and roles we play constitute the form of the special relationship. And when we change or break the specialness rules, conditions, rituals and roles in our relationships then the form of the relationship usually breaks down.

When the form (marriage, friendship, partnership, etc) breaks down, the ego tosses out the only valuable content of the relationship which is the changeless Love that remained unrecognized and therefore, denied or rejected. When there is little or no gratitude for what seemed to be a failed relationship then it was the form and not the changeless content (Love) that took precedence. The ego always values form at the expense of content (Love).

The Truth is form is not valuable however the content is. We confuse these two because we are so attached to valuing “form” over content that we often ignore the content. We will never know the Love in a relationship until we learn to discern these, 1) an expression of Love, and 2) a call for Love. Love shows up when we learn to answer both with Love.

The ego never recognizes a call for Love. It sees it as a call for attack and defense. Everything we encounter that is not an outright expression of Love is always a “call for Love.” And how will we answer these calls for Love especially once we recognize we’re responding to a mirror of our very own call for Love?

Ultimately we need to ask this question, “What is this relationship for?” Is to get my ego needs met? Or is it to help me awaken to my Holy Self via forgiveness? We set the goal in advance so that the relationship serves the goal.

“The only judgment involved is the Holy Spirit’s one division into two categories; one of love, and the other the call for love. You cannot safely make this division, for you are much too confused either to recognize love, or to believe that everything else is nothing but a call for love. You are too bound to form, and not to content. What you consider content is not content at all. It is merely form, and nothing else. For you do not respond to what a brother really offers you, but only to the particular perception of his offering by which the ego judges it.” T-14.X.7.

“Whenever any form of special relationship tempts you to seek for love in ritual, remember love is content, and not form of any kind. The special relationship is a ritual of form, aimed at raising the form to take the place of God at the expense of content. There is no meaning in the form, and there will never be.”  T-16.V.12:1-3 NOTE: Read Part Two – “When a Relationship seems to End” here

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