Last night, after renewing my vow to learn to become a miracle-worker, I had a horrifying nightmare that woke me up. I had to turn the light on and immediately went to Spirit for help to sincerely accept Atonement (undoing of fear) for believing the experience I’d just had in the nightmare. I don’t have nightmares anymore, so this was particularly strange and completely confusing for me. Yet I felt this nightmare had something to teach me about truly embodying how to become a miracle-worker.
In the dream I was in a classroom (that should have given me a clue as to what this was about, LOL!). But the classroom was weird. It seemed to be in some awfully remote area of Russia, in a deep and dark forest. The school building was immense and had huge classrooms. I found myself in one of them with other students. But…they were not ‘A Course in Miracles’ students. They were heavily asleep. I felt terribly alone with my beliefs and couldn’t share them there. I yearned to escape.
So I left the building to get some fresh air and wandered about five minutes walk away. Suddenly I heard a blood-curdling cry come from behind a tree. It sent chills up my spine. I ran up to find a baby screaming and writhing in pain, lying helplessly on the ground. I had never seen such a gruesome sight in all my imaginings. Nor had I ever experienced such total and mind-numbing terror and hopelessness as in that moment! The baby had been viciously mauled and was fighting for its life. I went into shock. What I saw was ‘real’. I ‘believed’ it! And in that moment, I plunged into the deepest, darkest depths of fear. I was lost.
I couldn’t pick the baby up because it was so badly hurt that to move him would have killed the baby. So what did I do? I fled in stark terror! I ran to the classroom to get help. And then I woke up.
I asked Spirit, “What was this about?”
And the answer came. What would have happened in this scene if I really remembered and knew “Who” I was beneath the ego? What would have occurred if I knew with absolute certainty that I was completely fearless and guiltless? The Christ within would have joined with the baby and healed him by looking ‘past’ appearances, only seeing the Truth of the baby’s perfection; and mine as well.
I saw in stark contrast, that my deep descent into fear for the baby, was my own deep descent into and belief in my own guilt as well as that of the baby. I would have felt no fear and therefore, no doubt, if I did not cling to this unconscious guilt. I can feel it now as I write this. This guilt, as is all guilt and fear, is a dreadful fear of punishment from God. So my fear for the baby was my own fear of punishment from God. How utterly insane! Yet there it is. Not just for me, but for every being in this world.
I abandoned this baby by falling into fear. I unknowingly condemned him and myself. But I’m ready now to look more deeply at this terrible fear because I see how it remains to haunt me in different areas of my life.
At what point did I abandon the baby and myself? In the nano-second that I ‘believed’ what my body’s ears heard and what my body’s eyes saw. In that moment, trust, Love and healing were abandoned to fear. “Oh my God, this poor little defenseless baby, writhing in agony, about to die.” That is what the ego saw. And what could I possibly do about this? I mean this has got to be the most wretched and traumatic scene that any human being could possibly experience.
Rewinding and looking with Spirit, I see that I was torn in this scene that I perceived to be real. The baby was obviously dying; with maybe minutes left. One impulse was to stay with him and wrap myself around him while he took his last breath, so as he was not alone. But that urge quickly left as the stark, sheer terror of the situation took hold of me. The strongest urge was to flee. And I did. All the while as I ran, my heart pounding loudly in my ears, I knew this baby would die alone. So…why was I running? To get help? Actually no. To be perfectly and shamefully honest, I ran because I could not bear the suffering I perceived. It was just too goddamned real.
This horror demonstrated there was no God, or at least that there was no LOVING God. “And now, I had to take care of myself. If this kind of shit is happening to a perfectly innocent baby then I can’t even begin to imagine what God will do to me once he finds me!” Now we’re getting to the nucleus of all our terror.
In every single situation of fear (or its by-product like anger, sickness, pain, scarcity, etc. ), our most hidden dread is this. If the pain and suffering we perceive is real, then imagine when God catches up to us? What do you suppose he will do to us for abandoning him at the separation? How horrendous. Yet this is what we unconsciously believe each time we react to fear without asking Spirit in to reinterpret it for us.
The ego seeks to punish us through unconscious ‘self-attack’ while we refuse to look within and wholeheartedly offer our misperceptions to Spirit in exchange for the miracle. This is what forgiveness is for. It’s what accepting Atonement is for. To undo this dreadful unconscious terror of ever being found out by God…and then duly punished.
And in my nightmare of the baby, this is precisely what I forgot to do; to accept Atonement.
This deep unconscious terror is fed by our unexamined ‘fear of God.’ But it’s the ego’s ‘god’ that we’re secretly terrified of. And certainly not the God of Love. In a nut shell, while we are split-minded, still believing in the reality of both the suffering of the world and God’s Love, then we reject the experience of knowing God’s Love as our Holy Self. Either the suffering of the world is real or God’s Love is real. Only one is true.
So my lesson now is to accept Atonement for myself! Amen! I accept wholeheartedly that my perception of suffering is an immediate sign that I’ve lost my connection with God’s Reality, being Love, trust, joy and perfection. And that I am the one in need of the miracle to heal my own perception!
How in the world can I ever help to heal another or myself if I still mindlessly fall into ‘believing’ the ego’s attempts at demonstrating that illusions are real. And pain and sickness are ego’s illusions and not God’s Will or Reality. I can no longer afford to maintain a foot in two mutually exclusive camps so to speak. Choose now. It’s either God’s Reality. Or its ego’s. Which one?
So now I realize, on a much deeper level, why Jesus tells us over and over that, “the sole responsibility of the miracle-worker is to accept (receive) Atonement for himself.” Of course! How can I possibly give healing when I don’t know that I have it to give? I can only give healing if I know without a doubt, that I have accepted it for myself. And if I’m still fearful then I have not accepted healing and therefore cannot give healing. There is only one healing. It is in my lack of fear, which is guiltlessness. There remains no guilt and therefore no fear, to block Love’s perfect healing.
I give the miracles I have received.
“No one can give what he has not received. To give a thing requires first you have it in your own possession. Here the laws of Heaven and the world agree. But here they also separate. The world believes that to possess a thing, it must be kept. Salvation teaches otherwise. To give is how to recognize you have received. It is the proof that what you have is yours. W-159.1.
Later, as I reflected on this dream again with Spirit, I noticed that I still had a pocket of grief that had not budged. “What was this?” I asked Spirit. And the answer came. I took myself back to that dreadful scene with the baby. And revisited that moment, in blind terror, where I abandoned both the baby and myself. This time, I was not alone. Spirit was with me.
Here, I wanted to see the essence of what I so badly desired to flee from. I wanted to see what I was resisting. “Spirit, show it to me so it can be brought clearly to the light and released. And let me revisit this dream, only this time let me do it with Love. With a full heart and infinite courage. Teach me, show me, guide me.”
I took myself back to that moment of terror, seeing the baby so helplessly suffering in pain. My grief was overwhelming. “How on earth can I look past ‘appearances’ that are so utterly convincing? What can I do?” I asked Spirit. And suddenly I knew.
To come with wholly empty-hands and open-heart to this present moment. Enter it fully. Surrender my need to do or understand anything. Just be fully present in God’s Grace. And I broke down and sobbed, asking for God’s Loving Will to completely eclipse my mind and heart. More than anything, this is what I wanted. I desired my mind to be healed. Dropping to my knees beside this baby, my surrender melted all illusion. And I knew that we were joined in the blazing light of His Grace. In my defenselessness…I had “Willed with God” in that instant.
Fear disappeared. And Love was all there was. The baby and I were one in that moment. There was no Nouk and no baby. All that remained was what had always been, but I did not recognize until now. Love.
“Christ’s vision has one law. It does not look upon a body, and mistake it for the Son whom God created. It beholds a light beyond the body; an idea beyond what can be touched, a purity undimmed by errors, pitiful mistakes, and fearful thoughts of guilt from dreams of sin. It sees no separation. And it looks on everyone, on every circumstance, all happenings and all events, without the slightest fading of the light it sees. This can be taught; and must be taught by all who would achieve it.” W-158.7,8:1
“You understand that you are healed when you give healing. You accept forgiveness as accomplished in yourself when you forgive. You recognize your brother as yourself, and thus do you perceive that you are whole. There is no miracle you cannot give, for all are given you. Receive them now by opening the storehouse of your mind where they are laid, and giving them away.” W-159.2. “Here the door is never locked, and no one is denied his least request or his most urgent need. There is no sickness not already healed, no lack unsatisfied, no need unmet within this golden treasury of Christ.” W-159.6:4-5