Copyright 2013 Nouk Sanchez
Last night, after renewing my vow to learn to become a miracle-worker, I had a horrifying nightmare that woke me up. I had to turn the light on and immediately went to Spirit for help to sincerely accept Atonement (undoing of fear) for believing the experience I’d just had in the nightmare. I don’t have nightmares anymore, so this was particularly strange and completely confusing for me. Yet I felt this nightmare had something to teach me about truly embodying how to become a miracle-worker.
In the dream I was in a classroom (that should have given me a clue as to what this was about, LOL!). But the classroom was weird. It seemed to be in some awfully remote area of Russia, in a deep and dark forest. The school building was immense and had huge classrooms. I found myself in one of them with other students. But…they were not ‘A Course in Miracles’ students. They were heavily asleep. I felt terribly alone with my beliefs and couldn’t share them there. I yearned to escape.
So I left the building to get some fresh air and wandered about five minutes walk away. Suddenly I heard a blood-curdling cry come from behind a tree. It sent chills up my spine. I ran up to find a baby screaming and writhing in pain, lying helplessly on the ground. I had never seen such a gruesome sight in all my imaginings. Nor had I ever experienced such total and mind-numbing terror and hopelessness as in that moment! The baby had been viciously mauled and was fighting for its life. I went into shock. What I saw was ‘real’. I ‘believed’ it! And in that moment, I plunged into the deepest, darkest depths of fear. I was lost.
I couldn’t pick the baby up because it was so badly hurt that to move him would have killed the baby. So what did I do? I fled in stark terror! I ran to the classroom to get help. And then I woke up.
I asked Spirit, “What was this about?”
And the answer came. What would have happened in this scene if I really remembered and knew “Who” I was beneath the ego? What would have occurred if I knew with absolute certainty that I was completely fearless and guiltless? The Christ within would have joined with the baby and healed him by looking ‘past’ appearances, only seeing the Truth of the baby’s perfection; and mine as well.
I saw in stark contrast, that my deep descent into fear for the baby, was my own deep descent into and belief in my own guilt as well as that of the baby. I would have felt no fear and therefore, no doubt, if I did not cling to this unconscious guilt. I can feel it now as I write this. This guilt, as is all guilt and fear, is a dreadful fear of punishment from God. So my fear for the baby was my own fear of punishment from God. How utterly insane! Yet there it is. Not just for me, but for every being in this world.
I abandoned this baby by falling into fear. I unknowingly condemned him and myself. But I’m ready now to look more deeply at this terrible fear because I see how it remains to haunt me in different areas of my life.
At what point did I abandon the baby and myself? In the nano-second that I ‘believed’ what my body’s ears heard and what my body’s eyes saw. In that moment, trust, Love and healing were abandoned to fear. “Oh my God, this poor little defenseless baby, writhing in agony, about to die.” That is what the ego saw. And what could I possibly do about this? I mean this has got to be the most wretched and traumatic scene that any human being could possibly experience.
Rewinding and looking with Spirit, I see that I was torn in this scene that I perceived to be real. The baby was obviously dying; with maybe minutes left. One impulse was to stay with him and wrap myself around him while he took his last breath, so as he was not alone. But that urge quickly left as the stark, sheer terror of the situation took hold of me. The strongest urge was to flee. And I did. All the while as I ran, my heart pounding loudly in my ears, I knew this baby would die alone. So…why was I running? To get help? Actually no. To be perfectly and shamefully honest, I ran because I could not bear the suffering I perceived. It was just too goddamned real.
This horror demonstrated there was no God, or at least that there was no LOVING God. “And now, I had to take care of myself. If this kind of shit is happening to a perfectly innocent baby then I can’t even begin to imagine what God will do to me once he finds me!” Now we’re getting to the nucleus of all our terror.
In every single situation of fear (or its by-product like anger, sickness, pain, scarcity, etc. ), our most hidden dread is this. If the pain and suffering we perceive is real, then imagine when God catches up to us? What do you suppose he will do to us for abandoning him at the separation? How horrendous. Yet this is what we unconsciously believe each time we react to fear without asking Spirit in to reinterpret it for us.
The ego seeks to punish us through unconscious ‘self-attack’ while we refuse to look within and wholeheartedly offer our misperceptions to Spirit in exchange for the miracle. This is what forgiveness is for. It’s what accepting Atonement is for. To undo this dreadful unconscious terror of ever being found out by God…and then duly punished.
And in my nightmare of the baby, this is precisely what I forgot to do; to accept Atonement.
This deep unconscious terror is fed by our unexamined ‘fear of God.’ But it’s the ego’s ‘god’ that we’re secretly terrified of. And certainly not the God of Love. In a nut shell, while we are split-minded, still believing in the reality of both the suffering of the world and God’s Love, then we reject the experience of knowing God’s Love as our Holy Self. Either the suffering of the world is real or God’s Love is real. Only one is true.
***
So my lesson now is to accept Atonement for myself! Amen! I accept wholeheartedly that my perception of suffering is an immediate sign that I’ve lost my connection with God’s Reality, being Love, trust, joy and perfection. And that I am the one in need of the miracle to heal my own perception!
How in the world can I ever help to heal another or myself if I still mindlessly fall into ‘believing’ the ego’s attempts at demonstrating that illusions are real. And pain and sickness are ego’s illusions and not God’s Will or Reality. I can no longer afford to maintain a foot in two mutually exclusive camps so to speak. Choose now. It’s either God’s Reality. Or its ego’s. Which one?
So now I realize, on a much deeper level, why Jesus tells us over and over that, “the sole responsibility of the miracle-worker is to accept (receive) Atonement for himself.” Of course! How can I possibly give healing when I don’t know that I have it to give? I can only give healing if I know without a doubt, that I have accepted it for myself. And if I’m still fearful then I have not accepted healing and therefore cannot give healing. There is only one healing. It is in my lack of fear, which is guiltlessness. There remains no guilt and therefore no fear, to block Love’s perfect healing.
I give the miracles I have received.
“No one can give what he has not received. To give a thing requires first you have it in your own possession. Here the laws of Heaven and the world agree. But here they also separate. The world believes that to possess a thing, it must be kept. Salvation teaches otherwise. To give is how to recognize you have received. It is the proof that what you have is yours. W-159.1.
Later, as I reflected on this dream again with Spirit, I noticed that I still had a pocket of grief that had not budged. “What was this?” I asked Spirit. And the answer came. I took myself back to that dreadful scene with the baby. And revisited that moment, in blind terror, where I abandoned both the baby and myself. This time, I was not alone. Spirit was with me.
Here, I wanted to see the essence of what I so badly desired to flee from. I wanted to see what I was resisting. “Spirit, show it to me so it can be brought clearly to the light and released. And let me revisit this dream, only this time let me do it with Love. With a full heart and infinite courage. Teach me, show me, guide me.”
I took myself back to that moment of terror, seeing the baby so helplessly suffering in pain. My grief was overwhelming. “How on earth can I look past ‘appearances’ that are so utterly convincing? What can I do?” I asked Spirit. And suddenly I knew.
To come with wholly empty-hands and open-heart to this present moment. Enter it fully. Surrender my need to do or understand anything. Just be fully present in God’s Grace. And I broke down and sobbed, asking for God’s Loving Will to completely eclipse my mind and heart. More than anything, this is what I wanted. I desired my mind to be healed. Dropping to my knees beside this baby, my surrender melted all illusion. And I knew that we were joined in the blazing light of His Grace. In my defenselessness…I had “Willed with God” in that instant.
Fear disappeared. And Love was all there was. The baby and I were one in that moment. There was no Nouk and no baby. All that remained was what had always been, but I did not recognize until now. Love.
“Christ’s vision has one law. It does not look upon a body, and mistake it for the Son whom God created. It beholds a light beyond the body; an idea beyond what can be touched, a purity undimmed by errors, pitiful mistakes, and fearful thoughts of guilt from dreams of sin. It sees no separation. And it looks on everyone, on every circumstance, all happenings and all events, without the slightest fading of the light it sees. This can be taught; and must be taught by all who would achieve it.” W-158.7,8:1
“You understand that you are healed when you give healing. You accept forgiveness as accomplished in yourself when you forgive. You recognize your brother as yourself, and thus do you perceive that you are whole. There is no miracle you cannot give, for all are given you. Receive them now by opening the storehouse of your mind where they are laid, and giving them away.” W-159.2. “Here the door is never locked, and no one is denied his least request or his most urgent need. There is no sickness not already healed, no lack unsatisfied, no need unmet within this golden treasury of Christ.” W-159.6:4-5
Wow! Thank you Nouk for sharing such a beautiful healing. I can relate to the dream indeed. My greatest fear to look on is suffering animals and I often dream I am trying (usually unsuccessfully to rescue them). It takes great courage to feel and look upon the terror and fear like you did, but I think above all else it takes such a strong desire (as you had) to want to see beyond the appearance to the Truth, to the Love. I have found in my experience when I have had an absolute gut-full of believing in pain and suffering and desire only to see the Truth (even though the appearance of pain and suffering and guilt seems so overwhelmingly convincing)a miracle occurs.
Love Linda
Yes, thanks so much Linda. As Jesus says, “When only Love is all you want, then only Love is all you will see.”
I’m learning…
With Love,
Nouk
Wow, pretty intense dreaming, there!
The ego is quite adept at creating whatever exact imagined imagery it needs in order to create an `experience` of something, in exactly just the right way that will have the most absolute impact on you. I’ve seen it in my own dreams, ego presenting situations that look `the worst`, that strike me in the worst way possible, as if the ego carefully crafted every single part of the scene just to have the most impact on me and no-one else. The world is, after all, dreamed up by an insane mind.
Yet it’s not real. Thank God for that!
Thanks for using it for forgiveness for yourself and others. I feel your dream has some symbolism that is pertinent perhaps to your current path in life, which might come to you more if you reflect on it. Every part of the dream is a part of your own self, or what you thought was your identity. The innocent baby inflicted with self-attack – your own innocent true self. It merely shows a part of your mind that had not become yet able to see itself as innocent, and which was attacking itself with these images and your personal way of experiencing/interpreting their appearance. Gladly you connected with spirit, trusted, listened, paused for correction and allowed yourself to be shown the truth. All is one and there is no sin 🙂
Thanks for sharing.
Thanks Paul. And another interpretation arose as well. The ‘baby’ could be symbolic of the ego’s precious belief that we are “INNOCENT VICTIMS” of a world that is being done TO us and not BY us.
But for me, I had to stay with what I was running away from, what was it that I was so terrified of seeing, of surrendering to? And I felt that finally…I got it. The healing took place in my deep surrender to Love itself.
🙂
this story that ego may have created to show that illusion is real comes up for me all day long..in fact, I spend my days calling to spirit to help me to not take my dream stories and run with them…real learning is the only teacher and once we stop learning we stop teaching
Thank You Nouk. This past night, I too, after many years, awoke from a terrifying nightmare, and your insight has helped me make perfect sense of it. You have such a way of teaching us how the Course is applied to our everyday lives. I once heard you share a wonderful ‘tool’ on a podcast with Kenneth Bok, that I also used this morning, and can be anytime we are troubled, or lose our grasp on the teaching in the heat of a moment; “Spirit, help me to forgive myself for using this (thought, perception scenario, situation) to attack myself and separate from God’s Love”. This always helps me come back to Truth in times of need.
Hugs
Dear Nouk, what a dream and what a miracle happened after you asked for guidance :)!
Strange, I know the principles and so on, but when such situations are put in front of my face I also would have escaped in horror.
Let me share you a dream I had last autumn: I was walking on a very broken down bridge between high mountains and a wild water stream far below. I was walking carefully not to fall down.
On the right side where I could hold myself were my glasses – as I was grabbing them I fell deep deep down, falling and falling – I thought: that’s it. It will be a crucial death. My body will be smashed on the cliffs and there will be too much pain….
Anyway the river was wild and strong, the river itself would do the rest to destroy my body.
Then from this horror trip the scenery changed instantly as I was landing into a warm kind loving see, which held me like a little baby, enveloping me with LOVE, WARMTH, tremindest PEACE and ACCEPTANCE.
The message to me was: Whatever seems to happen to your body, don’t go with it. The truth is, was and always will be: YOU ARE ALWAYS SAFE, LOVED AND SECURE – actually YOU ARE LOVE.
After that night it feels as if all my fear, worries and doubts disappeared, as if a big junk of the iceberg was melted away.
Occasionly worries and fear pop up ( by identifying with my body ),
but sooner or later (when I check up why I’m not in peace) I get back to the condition I was made to BE.
Love and Gratitude, Brigitte
Thank you Brigitte,
You said the Truth here —> “YOU ARE ALWAYS SAFE, LOVED AND SECURE – actually YOU ARE LOVE.” And there is no other Truth but this. All else is an illusion…thank God.
With Love,
Nouk
Holy Moly! WOW! What a POWERFUL dream!
I was down on my knees deeply crying mid-way through.
THANK YOU Nouk for having the courage and will to
‘go there’ for all of us. Your sharing is deeply appreciated.
Love is in everything if we look with the right eyes.
Thank you again
Marcy
Marcy, thank you…
🙂
Love,
Nouk
Now I understand the meaning of “If I defend myself I am attacked”. In the presence of GOD’S GRACE we stand there with complete empty hands in our ultimate true nature of innocence. Thank you Nouk for sharing this transforming healing lesson.
JOY and LOVE Rodolfo
The words “how on earth can i look past appearances, they are utterly convincing. What can i do”?, really hit home for me. My nightmares are my day dreaming experiences and to stay in peace and not get hooked into the story and react is a challenge!! We have the tools, the willingness and mostly the courage! And specially we have the laughter. Thank you for sharing. Love, Merrin
Thanks Merrin. Learning to look past appearances is important…we practice until it becomes natural to turn to Spirit in each moment we feel threatened.
Thanks for walking beside me! 😉
Love,
Nouk
I thank God that you had the courage to go through this experience, and the courage to really look at what it’s message was for you. Your courage is so inspiring to myself and to so many others. Your dedication is humbling. Now you are the way-shower for so many (like me) who have hidden fears and agendas that we are not yet consciously aware of. You help us trust, because you share your experiences and the awareness that they present. Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!
Thank you Jacalyn…
With Love,
Nouk
Thank you Nouk…. this is the second time you have helped me in such a dramatic and graphic way. I totally get how alone one can feel doing the Course,… just this evening my sister said that she felt.. in deed the whole family feel,.. that they had lost me to the Course. I can not go back. Nothing fulfills me as the teachings within the Course do. I do feel so lonely at times knowing that nobody quite gets it and that they are still buying into this dream… but then I also know that if that is my perception of them, there must still be a part of me that does not want to let go of the dream either. That’s what your dream showed me, so, again, thank you, and please keep posting.
Jo.
Thanks for sharing Jo. Yes, there’s a period where we’re usually (seemingly) alienating our family/friends through our belief in the Course’s principles. But this often passes in time as our ‘special’ relationship goals are shifted by Spirit to Holy Relationships. Others may perceive loss in the early transition. But there is only gain in Truth.
At the same time, you, as the pioneer within your family, must still maintain trust in them. And try not to lose heart when they judge you. They’re just mirroring the remnants of your own ‘self-judgment and self-doubt’. Forgiveness heals all…
With Love,
Nouk
Nouk, Thank you for revealing your nightmare to us all. Your courage to look at the dream and resolve it with Spirit was so healing and transforming for me. It gives me courage to face my fears with Spirit. It is so comforting to know there is a way out of this nightmare we have all created. Love Love Love.
Thank you Lynne. Yes, there really is a way out of this nightmare, thank God 😉
Much Love,
Nouk
Thanks Nouk!!!
You’re a Breath of Fresh air. Thank you very much for sharing. Love your Openness….PEACE
Dear Nouk,
I want to present something that maybe refers to more readers here than me only. I was one of those babies that were abused from very small , under one year, and for a long time in different settings. Exploring this kind of traumas this life, I have discovered that the ones of us who go through this also go through a big split: one part of us are heavily identified with body/me being tortured – and dissociation from it – and then there is a healthier part who is capable of doing the Course – but who still is so heavily identified with the old “me” and is so constantly filled with fear that Spirit can not reach her/him.
I experience strong shifts these days: one day it is fully possible to just BE WITH the baby/child and all that comes up – and then, periods of even stronger identification – AND also observing that I am identified, but still not possible to “get out of” the identification.
Hi nouk,
Thanks for sharing your journey with such honesty. I am a very peaceful person in this dream life, but I can’t tell how(may be unconscious mind holds them) I had a dream where I was
having a bb type gun in my hand and fighting with one of my imaginery brothers in my dream and although we were fighting like it was a joke, it turned out where my brother shot at my neck and while he was still shooting I saw some pigeons got hurt and were in agony. Right at that moment I felt heavy guilt and I thought of the course(J/holy spirit) teachings- nothing has happened,there is nobody out there, I made all up, I forgive my brother and myself for what we have not done and in an instant I was awake feeling guilt vanishing and perfectly calm. Just at that time I remembered your dream and The thought that I will share it with you.
What thoughts transpired at that time; every guilt that we feel, represents same guilt that we have somehow destroyed the
love and peace that was our source and is also the opportunity for us with holy spirit, choosing to forgive us for
what we have never “really” done.
Also I realized that the compassion that I feel all the time for my fellow beings is also an opprtunity to
say my forgiveness and then will my compassion be true. Although it should not stop us from acting compassionately.
I felt as if guilt and compassion are very integrally related, correct me if I am wrong.
This is beautiful…thank you,
Warmest blessings,
Nouk
Nouk,
There are no words to express the gratitude and Love….
As I sit here sobbing, …
There are no words, no symbols that can encompass anything of what I wish to extend… Wonderful, ain’t it???? ~giggle, face wet with tears~
Jeri…thank you for joining with the ONE heart in healing…
Big Love,
Nouk
I have an idea about the dream and interpretation. The foreign lands, the classroom darkness and leaving the room all suggests an ascension. The baby is a new life, a new beginning. Maybe you were on the verge of something big in your life that is ready to emerge. Maybe at a deep level you doubted yourself and that is why the baby was mauled and injured, she/he is not perfect … not yet. You perceived the shift as not ready to manifest. But as we know with the birth of the baby … it arrives on his or her schedule even if your’e not ready ! If there is a touch of control, as in all of us…this can be terror and chaos in the midst of a joyous new life ! You ran to get help, because in life you know where to find love (Holy Spirit) and where you can no longer go to get it (ego). You are so loved sweet Nouk and remember you ARE LOVE. * hugs and thank you for being such a loving teacher to all of us * hugs
Beautiful insight JoAnn! Thank you. I will sit with this too. I’m finding this process quite holographic…
Hugs and Love,
Nouk 🙂