From The End of Death, Volume Two
Copyright 2017 Nouk Sanchez
Listen to the AUDIO VERSION here
This is an epic subject because it literally tears the blinders off the single most unrecognized factor that contributes to all relationship conflict. We may think that Love is the main attraction in relationship however while anger or resentment persists, we can be sure that its specialness (guilt/fear) and not Love which binds the relationship.
In all special relationships the hidden goal is to “get” something from another. The false-self seeks to complete the illusion of itself through relationship. And the means by which it tries to “keep” a relationship is not by Love – but by guilt. Its objective is to keep its companion bound to it by guilt. It really believes that guilt-tripping others will ensure the relationship’s continuity.
To the ego guilt is love, and love is guilt. To remove all guilt in a relationship would mean the certain demise of both the relationship and the ego. If we were to consistently and completely forgive in our relationships the ego would be terrified, because it believes that to forgive a loved one would mean we will lose him or her.
“The ego establishes relationships only to get something. And it would keep the giver bound to itself through guilt.” … “For the ego really believes that it can get and keep [by making guilty.] This is its one attraction…” T-15.VII.2:1-2,5-6
The false self believes that the more judgment and anger we invest outside our self in others the safer we become. It does not recognize that by doing this we unintentionally end up amassing guilt which plays out as unconscious self-attack (illness, pain, conflict, lack, etc). “For it is the ego’s fundamental doctrine that what you do to others you have escaped.” … “It counsels, therefore, that if you are host to it, it will enable you to direct its anger outward, thus protecting you.” T-15.VII.4:2,5
In all special relationships and especially within the romantic relationship the ego believes it must sacrifice itself in order to trade for a better self. While this “sacrifice” is mostly unconscious it forms the basis of all unhealed relationships. And this is what occurs when we seemingly fall in love. Jesus makes a startling statement here:
“For each one thinks that he has sacrificed something to the other, and hates him for it. Yet this is what he thinks he wants. He is not in love with the other at all. He merely believes he is in love with sacrifice. And for this sacrifice, which he demands of himself, he demands that the other accept the guilt and sacrifice himself as well. Forgiveness becomes impossible, for the ego believes that to forgive another is to lose him. It is only by attack without forgiveness that the ego can ensure the guilt that holds all its relationships together.” T-15.VII.7:2-8
To assist with locating this underlying sense of sacrifice and its accompanied feelings of justified anger or resentment, I encourage you to recall with radical honesty, a moment when you felt justified in your anger or resentment toward a loved one.
When we are triggered by someone there appears to be a reflex reaction that immediately turns our focus externally and we genuinely believe it was the other person who triggered us. We even believe we can justify our anger by providing convincing evidence of their transgression – what the ego classifies as a sin, rather than a simple error which is easily forgiven.
Yet the ego does not want us to recognize that the very first and often unconscious attack, happened in our own mind first. No one can attack us unless we have attacked our self first. All attack is self-attack. Somehow, we must have betrayed or abandoned the Love we are by perceiving attack in the first place. And it’s this mistake that requires healing via forgiveness; because only this self-betrayal could possibly call for seeming attack from external sources.
In special relationships we bind each other to guilt. Furthermore, we rarely acknowledge that to make another guilty is really outright attack. We tend to justify our projection of guilt by believing they deserve it. Whoa! Let’s look at this without the ego’s blinders on. The belief that “they” deserve to be guilty or they deserve to be punished, is a direct reflection of what we secretly believe about our self.
To the degree we feel justified to project blame is the extent to which we our self, secretly expect – and invite – punishment. This is big! And this is why it is so important to investigate with Spirit the underlying dynamic of our relationships so we can finally identify and heal the only “cause” of all appearances of conflict.
Sacrifice and guilt form the dark and sickly glue that binds our special relationships until we commit to re-purposing our relationships with Holy Spirit.
The Body – #1 False Idol in Special Relationships
Let’s begin to look at how the ego uses the body as a decoy to hide the True Altar of our relationships. In most romantic relationships there is a belief that our body and that of our partners is highly valuable, more so than our shared mind/heart/spirit. On the altar of countless sexual relationships the body takes precedence as the most revered idol, to the exclusion of the sacred Essence of the one we may profess to love.
Let me give an example of how we mistakenly idolize the body rather than the spirit or Essence of the one we say we love. I’d like to offer a couple of revealing questions, ones which attempt to expose the ego’s most idolized attraction in romantic relationships. In a monogamous romantic relationship how threatened would you feel if your partner had a casual sexual affair with another person? And would this be grounds for you to withdraw your love for them?
The threat of two bodies attempting to unite – as sexual infidelity – ignites an extreme emotional feeling of betrayal for most people if not all. This “physical” betrayal is generally seen as the greatest threat and the ego’s hard evidence for withdrawing special love and trust.
While I am in no way approving sexual infidelity, I do want to make a point; the ego obsesses with the body over and above the only real “presence” and that is our shared, changeless, innocent and divine Essence. Sexual betrayal is a sign of a much deeper self-betrayal and a lack of True, un-defended and authentic communication with self and others. Ultimately like all illusions of betrayal, sexual betrayal is a symbol to help us look more deeply at where we have betrayed our Self.
When we identify as a body in relationships, it becomes a formidable shadow that completely obscures the Love we have for each other as our one Holy Self. In the following quote we see how the false-self uses the body to keep others bound to us through guilt. All the while the ego believes that guilt is love and is afraid to let it go.
“Yet they only [seem] to be together. For relationships, to the ego, mean only that bodies are together. It is always this that the ego demands, and it does not object where the mind goes or what it thinks, for this seems unimportant. As long as the body is there to receive its sacrifice, it is content. To the ego the mind is private, and only the body can be shared.” … “What makes another guilty and holds him through guilt is “good.” What releases him from guilt is “bad,” because he would no longer believe that bodies communicate, and so he would be “gone.”” T-15.VII.8:1-5,8-9
Guilt is literally the only need the ego has and it’s the single means by which it sustains itself and the imagined separation. As Jesus shares with us, that to be with a body is not communication and while we mistakenly believe it is – we will be afraid to open up and hear or feel the Holy Spirit. He is waiting within our Self and others for us to hear Him. However this requires us to show-up authentically in our relationships with our Self and others. It demands our willingness to be “seen” without the ego’s defenses. And thereby to Love and to be Loved. The means by which we engage in this is via forgiveness and the Seven Keys to Authentic Relating
In special relationships we compromise our self in attempts to join with other’s egos, but in order to do so we actually separate from our Self and each other. This kind of socially acceptable colluding is really a focus on being with bodies as a substitute for real joining through authentic, emotionally vulnerable and defenseless relating. And the outcome of this contraction is always guilt along with its subsequent projection onto others, the body or the world.
“Guilt is the only need the ego has, and as long as you identify with it, guilt will remain attractive to you. Yet remember this; to be with a body is not communication. And if you think it is, you will feel guilty about communication and will be afraid to hear the Holy Spirit, recognizing in His Voice your own need to communicate.” T-15.VII.10:4-6
In the unhealed special relationship there is often a fear of applying the Seven Key Principles of authentic communication especially when we relate to those who are not interested in undoing their false-self concept or in making the relationship Holy. And the reason is that those who still value unhealed special love (attack) are clearly afraid to communicate openly, vulnerably and honestly. To them, their security lies in keeping their thoughts and feelings private.
Safety is seen in the union of bodies, yet threat is perceived in real communication particularly when honesty and emotional vulnerability are called upon to be expressed in relationship. The ego wants to keep its thoughts and feelings private so they can be projected onto others and that way we get to keep the unconscious self-attack going.
“It is clearly insane to believe that by communicating you will be abandoned. And yet many do believe it. For they think their minds must be kept private or they will lose them, but if their bodies are together their minds remain their own. The union of bodies thus becomes the way in which they would keep minds apart.” T-15.VII.11:3-6
“As long as you believe that to be with a body is companionship, you will be compelled to attempt to keep your brother in his body, held there by guilt. And you will see safety in guilt and danger in communication. For the ego will always teach that loneliness is solved by guilt, and that communication is the cause of loneliness.” T-15.VII.12:2-4
This dreadful inner conflict between the genuine longing to be seen (Loved) and the fear to be seen without masks and defenses, expresses itself most glaringly in special relationships. In order to be Loved we must be willing to be seen and this means showing-up for our Self and coming clean.
“When the body ceases to attract you, and when you place no value on it as a means of getting anything, then there will be no interference in communication and your thoughts will be as free as God’s. As you let the Holy Spirit teach you how to use the body only for purposes of communication, and renounce its use for separation and attack which the ego sees in it, you will learn you have no need of a body at all.” T-15.IX.7:1-2
The Attraction of Love through Communication
What does it mean to show-up for our Self? What is the pay-off? Most of us are all too familiar with that persistent sense of threat which seems to propel us to abandon our Self repeatedly in an ongoing effort to be recognized and appreciated. Yet it’s the ego seeking to be seen. And the cost is enormous.
The ego can be seen. However, it can never be Loved. And this deeply denied and unhealed inner split between the ego’s desire to be seen and our genuine longing for Love, is the reason why so many relationships fail. It really is time to recognize that these two desires oppose each other.
The desire for one cancels out the other. And they cannot both be met. If the ego needs to be seen then it is impossible to Love or be Loved. And if we sincerely long to Love and be Loved then the ego’s artificial desire to be seen must fall away.
As I said before, the ego is fearful of open and honest communication because it eradicates the only thing that keeps the false-self going – judgment, guilt and fear. It says that if we begin open and honest communication with others that they will reject us. Yet how on earth will we ever know Love unless we’re willing to be present to our Self with others, and learn to communicate from our True Self to that same Self in others?
Communication is the key. And we have access to it in every Holy Instant in which we willingly enter. This is a moment of intention to lay aside all judgment and to have our perception (of conflict, blame, guilt, pain, illness, etc) healed. It’s really a precious instant of willingness to see with Holy Spirit and not through the ego’s filter of fear. The Holy Instant is a “reversal” of the ego’s projection.
Through learning how to communicate with our Self and others we consciously show-up with Spirit and this is the genuine attraction of Love to Love. The longing to Love and be Loved is met as we lay aside the ego’s temptations and actively choose to stay present to our Self and learn to communicate authentically through the Seven Key Principles.
In my experience and that of many others, applying the Seven Key Principles in all our relating has served to bring on an avalanche of miracles and Holy Instants.
“In the holy instant guilt holds no attraction, since communication has been restored. And guilt, whose only purpose is to disrupt communication, has no function here. Here there is no concealment, and no private thoughts. The willingness to communicate attracts communication to it, and overcomes loneliness completely. There is complete forgiveness here, for there is no desire to exclude anyone from your completion, in sudden recognition of the value of his part in it.” T-15.VII.14:2-6
FOR “THE END OF DEATH” TOPIC INDEX – A VALUABLE & FREE RESOURCE, click here
The End of Death
NOTE: My bestselling book, The End of Death, is available in AUDIO BOOK, PAPERBACK & KINDLE. To download a free Chapter of the audio book and for more valuable tools and meditations, go to: www.EndOfDeath.com
Holy Moly! This one’s a corker! Thanks Nouk and Holy Spirit – you are blowing open the old paradigm.
Thanks Amber! Yes…this and the next couple chapters have truly opened me to a whole new paradigm <3
As I listened and read along with you, I couldn’t help but see how this ego-dance has played out and continues to play out in every one of the relationships I have been a party to. And just when I think (haha who thinks?) I am setting the ego aside, I am returned to the notion that “I” know nothing and how much I need to join with the mighty companions here at the TTC. So grateful to you for helping to illuminate our path home.
Thank you Andrew! So good to have you in our TTC Family…