Healing Relationships – The Transition
Sunday, July 23, 2017
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From The End of Death, Volume Two
Copyright 2017 Nouk Sanchez Click here for the AUDIO VERSION
When we engage in relationships we usually do so via the false-self. In other words we relate to others based on the past. We’re not conscious of this until we desire our past to be healed in the “now”.
Remember that the pseudo-self does not see others for who they really are. Instead it projects our past onto them so it can perpetuate the past dynamic into the future. If we’ve experienced abuse, criticism, not being seen or heard or being betrayed or abandoned then we will inevitably invite this same dynamic into our relationships now if we have not healed it.
In relating with thousands of ACIM students over the years I recognize a common challenge which many face. They desire Holy Relationships however for the most part their loved ones are not on this spiritual path. The transfer from a special to a healed relationship looks far too daunting for them, consequently they tend to compartmentalize their spiritual practice so they don’t rock the boat in their relationships.
Here is a common example of most people’s resistance to dive into the transfer process from special to Holy Relationships:
“I want to “keep the peace” so I apply the Course’s principles to some of my life (in private) while dissociating it from my significant relationships. The “special roles” I play (spouse, lover, parent, family member, income earner, work colleague, home-maker, etc) are kept separate from my spiritual practice. I can’t afford to come out of the closet in every area of my life with my spiritual path. I’m afraid I’ll lose friendships and family.”
The ego wants to protect the specialness dynamic from being compromised. In other words it is terrified to lose the specialness in these relationships. It sees unconditional Love and liberation as serious threats. It believes that our Holy Self is dangerous (Love is dangerous). And this is why it relishes special relationships for what they secretly deliver.
Yet all specialness is a deathly guilt-magnet. It involves conditional relating all based on the past. Guilt, judgment and conditional relating are the fuel to keep specialness going. This may seem harsh but it’s true. It’s not Love that sustains our special relationships but guilt. Without the cycle of judgment and guilt the ego has no relationship, no hooks and no traction to keep the cycle of grievances and resentment going.
So the ego wants to keep the peace in its relationships. Keeping the peace looks good and safe to the ego but let’s really look at this in more detail and with radical self-honesty. Keeping the (ego’s) peace necessitates self-abandonment and self-deceit. It has a cost that will be exacted.
The Holy Relationship starts with me. I am 100% responsible to relate with others from my Holy Self and not the pseudo-self. Even if the ones I’m in relationship with are not on this path it’s still up to me to show up for myself with them. As I become more genuine my inner conflict falls away and because we all share the one Christ Mind then others will also come into alignment with my inner shift.
The greatest challenge for many of us is to acknowledge that unknowingly we have learned to relate with others dishonestly. And we cannot heal this until we see it first. Then we will recognize that we have abandoned our self in the pursuit of specialness. We’re so conditioned to “special relating” that we have no idea who we really are. And initially we are afraid to find out because we believe we may lose our special relationships if we do.
Return to our Divine Authenticity
When our heart truly desires to experience Holy Relationship then there must also be an inner Call to return to our divine authenticity. The ego can never enjoy Holy Relationships because the guilt necessary to sustain the false-self is completely annihilated in these most sacred relationships.
When we ask Holy Spirit in to make our relationship Holy Jesus explains that initially there is a significant shift in the goal of our relationship. The hidden specialness goal is totally reversed as Holy Spirit takes it. There is a 180 degree shift in the purpose of our relationship. And from my experience and that of many others, this shift involves learning to communicate authentically without projection, without judgment, agendas, guilt-trips, taking offense or attack. The destructive specialness dynamic is gently undone as we learn to show up for our Holy Self in True communication.
In the initial phase of this shift in goals there may seem to be an avalanche of forgiveness opportunities yet all of them are gifts in disguise. We cannot heal that which remains hidden in our unconscious unless we recognize it first. This is the deep seated self-hatred (guilt) and unworthiness that must be seen with Spirit in order for it to be healed via quantum forgiveness.
And this is where the third of the Seven Key Principles of Holy Relationship comes into play. While conflict may appear to be exacerbated during this beginning phase, defenselessness will be our greatest ally. When we defend we unknowingly reinforce attack. And whatever we fear or defend against, we will unfortunately attract. Defenselessness is strength and not weakness as the ego believes.
Forgiveness is the most important practice in forming Holy Relationships. Yet in my own experience forgiveness remains shallow unless I unlearn my false-self concept along with its dishonesty in relating to others. This requires a whole-hearted practice of learning to be authentic. As Jesus tells us in order to transfer our trust from fear to Love we must come into alignment with Spirit, with our Holy Self. This is really about learning to be consistently and radically self-honest. Radical self-honesty is the fourth of the Seven Keys .
“Honesty does not apply only to what you say. The term actually means consistency. There is nothing you say that contradicts what you think or do; no thought opposes any other thought; no act belies your word; and no word lacks agreement with another. Such are the truly honest. At no level are they in conflict with themselves. Therefore it is impossible for them to be in conflict with anyone or anything.” M-4.II.1:4-8
What we say and do is neither in conflict with our thoughts nor with our feelings. What we say and do is in perfect alignment with what we think and how we feel. Just think about that. With radical self-honesty ask yourself just how much do you say and do each day that conflicts with what you actually feel or think? How much do you sacrifice? This is the cost of maintaining specialness because it always demands sacrifice. The ego believes that to sacrifice is to love. But as I’ve said many times before sacrifice is attack and not Love.
When we learn to communicate authentically we open to Holy Spirit’s trust and guidance more. Our past conditioning is literally undone as we apply forgiveness and practice relating from an authentic place within. The result of this process is that we begin to see others in their True light which is a joy! Without the past clouding our perception we look for opportunities to sincerely “close the gap” with others. We come to expect miracles in all our relationships and the healing is monumental.
The transfer in our relationships from specialness to Holiness is really the path to discovering our most beloved and innocent Holy Self. In this experiential journey of return to Self the Love we’re so fearful to lose…is finally found within. And joy of joys! When we learn to embrace and live out from this divine authenticity then Love increases in our experience with others. We no longer engage in relationships for the ego’s mutual use. We are the Love we seek and that Love is felt and witnessed by everyone we encounter.
If you really desire to accelerate the practical transfer from special to Holy Relationship then come join us ONLINE in our Global TTC Groups. Click here for more info https://takemetotruth.org/ttc-miraclesbootcamp/about-ttc-online/
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