Copyright 2012 Nouk Sanchez
The quest to remember my divine innocence really began in earnest only six months after my soul buddy Tomas, left physical form through cancer. In May of 2011, I was at home sitting on a sunlit porch marveling at the glorious bursts of ‘life’ in the garden all around me. Life…oh how could life possibly have an opposite? How could life end in death? I mean really? If God is Love and Love is eternal life without opposite, then how could the concept of death be taken seriously? In that moment, I had an epiphany.
I just ‘knew’ with all my being that death was not real. I had been having waves of these kinds of insights since my breakdown/breakthrough experience just after Tomas left physical form. Somehow these insights were clearly piercing a massive hole in my ego belief system; a hole now big enough for Spirit to illuminate the remaining blackness of untruth.
It was during this euphoric time that my heart cracked open even further. And as it did, I saw and felt Love’s all-encompassing Truth. Finally I understood the deeper meaning in the introduction to A Course in Miracles.
“This is a course in miracles. It is a required course. Only the time you take it is voluntary. Free will does not mean that you can establish the curriculum. It means only that you can elect what you want to take at a given time. The course does not aim at teaching the meaning of love, for that is beyond what can be taught. It does aim, however, at removing the blocks to the awareness of love’s presence, which is your natural inheritance. The opposite of love is fear, but what is all-encompassing can have no opposite.” T-in.1.
This course can therefore be summed up very simply in this way:
Nothing real can be threatened.
Nothing unreal exists.
Herein lies the peace of God.” T-in.2-4
The opposite of Love is fear. But what is ‘all-encompassing’…can have no opposite. Love then, has no opposite. Fear does not exist.
Nothing real can be threatened. Only Love is real. Only Love is all-encompassing. Nothing un-real exists. Fear is un-real. Fear cannot threaten Love. So what do we defend ourselves against, if Love is quite literally, all there is? Think about that.
We believe the threat of fear is real here in this ego dream. Yet everything we fear does not exist. So again, what are we really defending ourselves against if fear does not exist? What is left once the illusion of fear falls away?
What the ego never ever wants us to see, is that in every instant we defend ourselves, we are really defending ourselves from Love. While it looks as if we’re struggling in attempts to sustain and defend our lives here, we are really blocking out Love. We made everything we seem to defend ourselves against in this world; that’s how powerful our ‘will’ is. We do this as an epic smoke screen to distract ourselves from ever seeing the Truth; that Love and not fear, is what we are secretly terrified of.
“You make what you defend against, and by your own defense against it is it real and inescapable. Lay down your arms, and only then do you perceive it false.” W-170.2:6
At the core of all our defenses, we defend against Love. Through our defenses and grievances, we unconsciously project consistent self-attack (sickness, pain, scarcity, conflict, etc.), making fear appear to be a legitimate defense. Yet this is what all defenses were made to hide; the One Power of Love as our Holy Self. Awareness of Love’s presence recalls that our pristine and divine innocence lies in releasing all our defenses into God’s hands. In releasing our defenses, we no longer desire nor need protection from Love. In this awakening, guilt and fear along with their consequent defenses, become redundant as we no longer desire to project these obstacles as barriers to Love.
On that sunlit porch as I basked in this new found release and relief, only Love was present. In that euphoria, immersed in my defenselessness and divine innocence, I could not even imagine ever feeling the sharp sting of fear again.
Then suddenly, out of the blue, three yellow jacket wasps zeroed in on me. They were not going to leave me alone. Instinctual fear involuntarily tried to shoot through me but I resisted the urge to allow it in. I resisted abandoning myself to fear, recognizing that guilt caused this fear and the urge to defend myself. Instead I became one with what I ‘knew’ deep within, Love and innocence, remaining still and breathing these in as they joined in the core of my being. And I asked myself quietly within, “Would Love betray me?” and “Could divine innocence attack me?” How many times do we blindly abandon ourselves to fear, not recognizing that in doing so, we condemn ourselves as guilty and deserving of punishment.
If all I was in that instant, was Love and innocence, then everything that appeared ‘outside’ me must be Love as well. After all, the body and world are in my mind. They appear to exist depending upon which inner teacher I perceive them with. Either fear or Love. Perceiving them from this deeply embodied innocence and safety, these wasps were harmless.
If all the suffering and fear I seem to see and experience is born from unconscious guilt in my mind then the ‘experience’ of being the embodiment of divine innocence, even if for just an instant, must return my awareness from fear to Love.
“God’s blessing shines upon me from within my heart, where He abides. I need but turn to Him, and every sorrow melts away, as I accept His boundless Love for me.” W-pI.207:2-3
All there is, is Love; with no opposite. What am I really fearful of if fear does not exist? If it’s not fear, sickness, conflict, loneliness, scarcity, pain and death that I am truly fearful of; if these are fabrications I made to disguise my one and true dread, then what is it that lies at the core of my hidden terror?
Love. The one Power of God’s Love with no opposite. This is my incorruptible and eternal Identity as Love itself. If I defend myself then I’m using fear as a defense against Love, as an attack on Love… which is Who I AM. Defending myself therefore, is self-attack. Could divine innocence ever attack itself? Could Love ever betray itself?
Our deep and unconscious terror of divine Love as our true Identity, is at the heart of every form of perceived fear and suffering in this ego paradigm. Somewhere deep down we know that once we begin to wake up, we will see through the lie; that we ‘made up’ this entire paradigm, including the concept of birth and death, as an attack on God as our Holy Self. And this kind of ‘seeing’ will cost us the world as we know it. It is the complete reversal of the thinking of the world; and the total transcendence of the laws of this world, including the ego’s laws of nature which are based on the concept of death, and not on life.
No longer will we defend ourselves from what we made in order to hide the all-encompassing Love that that we are. We need these bodies and this world as the primary vehicles through which the ego lie is undone. Where else but in the body do we think we will learn to take dominion in Christ, and reverse all the laws we made to separate from God’s Love? There is no death. Death is the ego’s attempt to escape from awakening to Love here and now. Jesus already undid the ego’s central dream of death, in his Resurrection. He awaits our acceptance of this through forgiveness, via the Atonement.
“If I defend myself I am attacked. But in defenselessness I will be strong, and I will learn what my defenses hide.” W-135.22:4-5
“Defenses are the plans you undertake to make against the truth. Their aim is to select what you approve, and disregard what you consider incompatible with your beliefs of your reality. Yet what remains is meaningless indeed. For it is your reality that is the “threat” which your defenses would attack, obscure, and take apart and crucify.” W-135.17.
False humility, self doubt, fear and concern are burned away in the blazing light of embodied innocence. This innocence is infinite safety. In this, nothing of the ego remains. Divine innocence accepted, brings infinite safety and security. And innocence is the direct result of accepting Atonement sincerely. This is true forgiveness. We dare to express our vulnerability and drop our defenses. Real safety and security arise only from hiding out in the open. There is a gentle letting go, a deep sigh of relief within, as we unburden ourselves from the heavy load of eons of fear, guilt and control.
Note: The Atonement is the foundation of Jesus’ message of transformation in A Course in Miracles. Click here for the Atonement (forgiveness) process.
This has been a gradual process for me the past two years. I’m seeing that all my concerns are really reflections of my lack of trust in God’s awesome and consistent Love. Now when I sit with a fear and look at it with Spirit, I am shown the same root cause over and over. There is a pattern emerging. All fear is showing itself to be the one mistake as it’s finally being generalized and distilled into this. Every single fear I have stems from guilt. This is the guilt I carry in believing that I stand alone, apart from God. If it were true, that I did indeed stand alone apart from God, then I would have every reason to be fearful. And every reason to try to control my life independently from Spirit, while defending myself from perceived threat. But however grand my hallucinations, I could never make them real.
I am seeing and feeling that any fear, concern or need to control now, comes from the mistaken belief that I am not worthy of God’s Love. All encompassing Love has no opposite. Therefore, what and where is fear? If I feel victimized by fear, scarcity, pain or threat, then where have I placed my identity? Where have I placed my allegiance? All there is, is now…is here. And my awareness is all I have in truth. All else is transient. So where am I when I believe in fear? And where am I when I believe in Love?
My practice now when I feel fear and the desire to protect or defend my body, myself or another, is to recognize exactly what my fear is masking. Always, it is my hidden expectation of punishment as a direct result of guilt. We learn to mindfully detect this one unconscious desire beneath each of our fears and defenses. While we secretly expect punishment in the form of sickness, pain, conflict, scarcity, loss and death then we will manifest these. The ego’s defenses work as unconscious attractions to the very fears that we attempt to shield ourselves from. Our ‘will’ is as powerful as God’s Will and whatever we expect (fear), God cannot save us from.
When I can locate and release that feeling of guilt and my subsequent expectation of punishment as the nucleus of my fear, regardless of the particular form of the perceived threat, then I am immediately returned to peace. In my defenselessness my safety lies.
Guilt is the source of the ego. And there can be no fear and no attack without guilt. All fear, attack, sickness, pain, conflict, judgment, scarcity and loss, is self-attack. For as long as this guilt is kept unconscious and retained, we live out from a self whose intent is our death. Remember that we retain by giving away. Ideas leave not their source. So when we project fear, guilt and judgment, we consolidate them within and without. In Jesus’ first quote below, he speaks about how the ego makes the seeming attack real first and then attempts to forgive it. Yet this is precisely how we unconsciously retain guilt and how we encourage random bouts of self-attack.
” The ego’s plan is to have you see error clearly first, and then overlook it. Yet how can you overlook what you have made real? By seeing it clearly, you have made it real and [cannot] overlook it.” T-9.IV.4:4-6.
“The ego is the part of the mind that believes in division. How could part of God detach itself without believing it is attacking Him? We spoke before of the authority problem as based on the concept of usurping God’s power. The ego believes that this is what you did because it believes that it [is] you. If you identify with the ego, you must perceive yourself as guilty. Whenever you respond to your ego you will experience guilt, and you will fear punishment.” T-5.V.3:1-6
When we align with the ego, we will expect retaliation in the form of punishment. This is guilt’s role; to spawn fear as a defense against Love. All suffering, all deprivation, sickness and death arise from unconscious and un-healed guilt. There is no other cause. Surrender the guilt and the ego must fall away with it. And all that will remain is the Holy Self; the eternal Self who knows only Love, joy and peace.
I will not fear to look within today.
“Within me is eternal innocence, because it is God’s Will that it be there forever and forever. I, His Son, whose will is limitless as is His Own, can will no change in this. For to deny my Father’s Will is to deny my own. To look within is but to find my will as God created it, and as it is. I fear to look within because I think I made another will that is not true, and made it real. Yet it has no effects. Within me is the Holiness of God. Within me is the memory of Him.” W-309.1.
5 “Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth“ As I go within, I understand the real meaning of this. When we embody our infinite innocence, fear falls away to reveal eternal Love, joy and life. Innocence is strength and it is this divine Strength that will inherit the Earth. And we will marvel as we watch our world transform from the inside out. The Earth of pain and death, becomes the Earth of joy and life. The ego’s world is transformed into Holy majesty as we embody our divine guiltlessness.