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Copyright 2017 Nouk Sanchez
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Do you really want a Holy Relationship? Before you answer this perhaps you might like to know what it will cost you. I’ll be frank. It will cost you your false-self concept along with all its erroneous beliefs about what Love is.
Firstly, the journey from specialness to Holiness is set to reveal to you what Love is not. Unless you’re willing to learn what Love is not, you will not be willing to open to Love. This is where real willingness comes in (From The 7 Key Principles of Holy Relationship). Resistance to learn what Love is not; is the fear of Love (God) that Jesus speaks of in “A Course in Miracles”. While you still choose to believe that others can hurt you Love will not find you because you have locked yourself away from it.
Relationships fail because we don’t recognize and value their singular purpose. We unknowingly use them for anything and everything other than their one miraculous purpose.
Through the fragile and deceptive false-self we try to get from others that which we believe we’re lacking. This is its goal – to GET. It could be special love, physical closeness, sex, financial security. It could be approval, validation or emotional support. Whatever it is, we most certainly try to get from others (including our parents and children) that which we have refused to give to our self.
The pseudo self attempts to disguise its intent to take from others by secretly “giving to get”. But giving to get is no different than taking, than stealing. And because in Truth there is only one of us here, we rob from our Self. Although we may not be conscious of this we still accumulate guilt for it because it has not been offered to Holy Spirit and forgiven. Instead, it is projected outward onto others and they mirror to us our own Self-betrayal.
Giving to get is based on lack and deprivation and always breeds separation. Only the false-self can feel lack, unloved, hurt, unseen, betrayed, abandoned, unappreciated and misunderstood. Our Holy Self is entirely impervious to threats like these. It doesn’t need to get anything from anyone. It knows it has everything because it knows it IS everything. Its great joy is to extend the Love and abundance that it is.
“The ego never gives out of abundance, because it was made as a substitute for it. That is why the concept of “getting” arose in the ego’s thought system. Appetites are “getting” mechanisms, representing the ego’s need to confirm itself. This is as true of body appetites as it is of the so-called “higher ego needs.” Body appetites are not physical in origin.” T-4.II.7:3-7
The false self does not know Love (capital “L”). It only knows specialness and exclusivity. While it’s a bottomless pit of unworthiness it cannot know Love. It can’t give Love or receive it. It believes that Love can change which is impossible. Love can only seem to change if I first abandon myself in dishonesty.
From the ego it’s truly astounding that we can have close relationships that swing wildly from love to hate. One minute we seem to love then in the next we’re full of resentment. This is what Jesus says about this insane concept:
“No one considers it bizarre to love and hate together, and even those who believe that hate is sin merely feel guilty, but do not correct it.” T-16.V.3:4
I know that from previous years of being an addicted “people-pleaser” in all my relationships there was a specialness dynamic that played out. Eventually I had to look at just “why” I felt so damned resentful in my relationships. I had to look at why I felt cheated, tired and unfairly treated. I was largely unseen.
I was a perfectionist and the ultimate loyalist. I gave and gave. I sacrificed for others. Aha! That’s it right there! Little did I realize back then that sacrifice is NOT Love but attack. In fact, if I sacrificed for others I was resenting them, in return unwittingly increasing the gap between us. On top of that I was hiding the fact that I was being consistently dishonest with myself. In the secret “need to needed” lay a deadly trap. All sacrifice is a hidden desire to “give to get” which is attack in disguise because it seeks to increase guilt.
In order to maintain the ego’s desire to be needed it cost me my Self-honesty, my trust and my gratitude. I literally had to abandon myself to keep feeding the sick cycle of giving to get, of fueling that need to be needed.
“In such insane relationships, the attraction of what you do not want seems to be much stronger than the attraction of what you do want. For each one thinks that he has sacrificed something to the other, and hates him for it. Yet this is what he thinks he wants. He is not in love with the other at all. He merely believes he is in love with sacrifice. And for this sacrifice, which he demands of himself, he demands that the other accept the guilt and sacrifice himself as well. Forgiveness becomes impossible, for the ego believes that to forgive another is to lose him. It is only by attack without forgiveness that the ego can ensure the guilt that holds all its relationships together.” T-15.VII.7.
The Singular Purpose of Relationships
Contrary to popular belief, the singular purpose of all relationships is not to meet the imagined needs of the false-self and its body appetites (financial security, special relationship roles, sex, etc). It is to “close the gap” of separation between us. This will ultimately lead to the final closing of the gap within. As our projections are withdrawn from others we remove the distorted self-concept to reveal the one shared Holy Self. And the false needs of the body do not intrude on this most cherished relationship. The body falls into alignment now with the Holy Spirit’s purpose.
All relationships are living classrooms to help us undo our own distorted belief that we are unworthy of Love. They are purely mirrors of our own self-condemnation, our own guilt. And it’s this profound lie that forms the basis of our false-self concept. This is the self that attempts communication in relationship with other false-selves.
All its roles, rules and expectations are based on protecting and defending this false-self (fear and guilt) as it says over and over in a thousand different ways, “I will love you just as long as you do what I want.” Yet this image of self is the block to our most beloved Holy Self. Why on earth would we want to keep it? Especially once we recognize the conflict and suffering it causes.
Most people in the world including those who have perhaps lived together under the same roof for decades, even sleeping in the same bed together, have never seen each other. They go to the grave without ever having truly closed the gap between them. And this is why they die. They maintain a false-self image with its fake relationship roles, rules, beliefs, stories and values all revolving around the unreal body. Yet they have never really seen each other. They cannot be seen, really seen, until they have learned to genuinely forgive, to be radically self-honest, defenseless, emotionally vulnerable and transparent.
Jesus speaks of this special relationship dynamic here:
“For an unholy relationship is based on differences, where each one thinks the other has what he has not. They come together, each to complete himself and rob the other. They stay until they think that there is nothing left to steal, and then move on. And so they wander through a world of strangers, unlike themselves, living with their bodies perhaps under a common roof that shelters neither; in the same room and yet a world apart.” T-22.in.3:5-8
Jesus gives us this happy alternative to the neediness of the special relationship, the Holy Relationship:
“A holy relationship starts from a different premise. Each one has looked within and seen no lack. Accepting his completion, he would extend it by joining with another, whole as himself. He sees no difference between these selves, for differences are only of the body.” T-22.in.3:1-4
When we Show up for our Self … others will Show up for us
The purpose of all relationships is to undo our fundamental belief that we’re separate; a belief that we can be victimized. The means to achieve this is via quantum forgiveness (Atonement). As we forgive our self for having unknowingly used others to attack us, the veil of condemnation falls away to reveal our most Holy Self. This is the radical self-accountability required to initiate and sustain a Holy Relationship (See The 7 Key Principles of Holy Relationship). Without this crucial piece (peace) we cannot undo the unconscious self-hatred that masquerades as relationship conflict, disease, pain, depression and financial lack, etc.
Did you know that it’s impossible to forgive another? And here is the reason why trying to forgive another does not work:
“It is impossible to forgive another, for it is only your sins you see in him. You want to see them there, and not in you.” … “That is why forgiveness of another is an illusion.” … “Only in someone else can you forgive yourself, for you have called him guilty of your sins, and in him must your innocence now be found.” S.2.I.4:2-4,6
It is only through others that we are gifted the opportunity to forgive our own imagined sins and undo the self-saboteur that inflicts self-punishment via projection. We could never undo this tragic self-concept without our brothers and sisters. They show us exactly where our own unconscious self-abandonment lies so as we can forgive it.
Most of us are in special relationships and have no idea how to initiate a Holy Relationship, especially if he or she has zero interest in living this path. And that brings up a lot of fear, even terror for many. The deep-seated fear of loss and rejection seems so overwhelming. Yet Jesus reassures us that these relationships can be transformed. However, this involves our own wholehearted participation in applying the 7 Key Principles of Holy Relationship and Quantum Forgiveness (the Atonement).
“I have said repeatedly that the Holy Spirit would not deprive you of your special relationships, but would transform them.” T-17.IV.2:3
In our online TTC Global Groups we cover the transfer process from special to Holy Relationship. This is not something that can be achieved by intellectual study alone. It needs to be experienced. And this is what we offer in our classes and via our miracle-buddy system.
As we learn to finally show-up for our Self, as we learn to be radically self-honest, defenseless and accountable; as we learn to shatter our emotional paralysis and dare to express our emotions intimately, we must realize that there is no one to protect or defend our self from. In fact as we show-up, others will show up for us! And then we will witness that everyone and everything we seem to see in the world is wholly and magnificently changed. All because we’ve learned to show-up for our most beloved Holy Self – the Self that is shared as ONE. The Love we seek is WHAT we are. And when we know this…Love will be all we feel and see.
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