Specialness and Blame – The Lower Purpose in Relationship
Because we interpret everyone and everything through a filter of guilt and fear, we have mistakenly taught our self to give everything a multitude of seemingly different purposes. Our body, relationships, family, job, etc, are all unknowingly used to accrue more guilt and fear as unconscious self-attack, while we continue to think we know the real purpose of each of them.
The false-self has only one underlying objective hidden beneath the endless number of varied purposes it assumes for everyone and everything which is to keep the separation going. The numerous conflicts involved in this deeply concealed objective are most apparent in the special relationships of this world. These relationships adopt a myriad of conflicting roles and rules all based on what the ego scripts as being either beneficial or threatening to maintaining the appearance of separation. Yet the ego has no idea what our best interests are. Therefore, these relationships are particularly tenuous based on their constantly shifting foundation. The relationship is valuable only to the extent to which it includes faulty beliefs, values, agreements and goals.
The special relationship’s purpose appears to change depending on whether or not the false self has its imaginary needs met separately from others. All ego goals arise from an inherent sense of deprivation; as such they stem from “self” interest and therefore, cannot be shared in the highest sense.
These relationships lack the one consistent and undivided purpose which would unify, making them Holy and invulnerable to conflict. “Egos do join together in temporary allegiance, but always for what each one can get [separately.] The Holy Spirit communicates only what each one can give to all.” T-6.V.A.5:9-10
The world’s relationships are deeply entrenched within the ego’s beliefs, values and laws which are all based on fear and not on changeless Love. Special relationships are made to sustain the false-self and its paradigm of sin, guilt, fear, sacrifice, conflict, deprivation and loss.
These relationships are usually centered on common mistaken beliefs, values, the body/sex, the past, stories, roles, rules and rituals, or material possessions of mutual interest. These may appear to be common shared interests, but at their base they represent false “self-interests.”
These things and the specialness they engender become the focus of what the ego judges as either success or failure of the relationship. When either of these false idols is challenged in relationship then “love” is also threatened or withdrawn. Thus all the things the ego uses to form and sustain special relationships eventually become the idols that we use to substitute for our partner.
When one partner within the relationship attempts to substitute changeless Love for a mutually agreed upon false idol, this is seen as a direct threat to the specialness dynamic which previously sustained the special relationship. This particular idol (or idols) has been mistakenly revered above the True spirit of the one we say we love. When any of these idols are valued to the extent that the removal of one threatens to cause a relationship disruption or breakdown, then the “love” is always special and is not Love but fear in disguise.
These false idols while believed to be real and valuable will be fiercely defended if threatened. Due to the degree of their imagined reality and misplaced value, they act as persistent blocks to practicing forgiveness which is the sacred portal to Holy Relationship and the return to awareness of our one, innocent and Holy Self.
Shared interests which become false idols that substitute for conscious Love in relationships are always a sign that the relationship is not one of Love but one of “mutual use.”
The lower goals or false idols which are revered in special relationships always eclipse the infinite Love within the person we think we love. While valued, these idols sever the possibility of experiencing changeless Love in a relationship. These represent a large segment of the common blocks to Holy Relationship. Special love and blame always lead to conflict and separation.
Holiness and Innocence – The Higher Purpose in Relationship
Beyond all the false idols and factors we think contribute to making a relationship a lifelong one, there is a higher purpose which runs like an invisible golden thread through all relationships either romantic, friends or family.
The highest purpose of all relationships and the only one that shows up on God’s Radar rests completely unaltered in the expressions of Love we share with others. Because the false self only recognizes special love and cannot acknowledge God’s Love, let me be more specific.
Every thought, feeling or action that is in alignment with our genuine desire to release another (and our self) from guilt, fear and judgment, is an expression of Love. Every thought, feeling and action of gratitude is an expression of Love. Each time we choose to forgive instead of to judge is an expression of Love. When we sincerely desire to help or give to another with no agenda, this is an expression of Love.
When we remain present and genuinely receive a gift offered or given to us by another, without guilt or false humility, then God Himself is gifted in that Holy Instant. His Love is increased by our receiving with a sincere and thankful heart.
Giving is receiving. The higher purpose in relationship is to give or to extend forgiveness. Above all, we seek to behold the innocence in another. This is the literal reversal of all we have learned in the ego dream whose aim is to take from another in a futile attempt to make oneself complete.
“For an unholy relationship is based on differences, where each one thinks the other has what he has not. They come together, each to complete himself and rob the other. They stay until they think that there is nothing left to steal, and then move on.” T-22.in.2:5-7
A relationship is either one of changeless Love – or – there is no relationship at all. There is no gray area. I feel Jesus sums up the blinding contrast between special and Holy Relationship in the following quote:
“There is no order in relationships. They either are or not. An unholy relationship is no relationship. It is a state of isolation, which seems to be what it is not. No more than that.” T-20.VI.8:1-5
Two People – One Truly Common Purpose
Our one function here is healing. And healing is accomplished as we learn with Holy Spirit to give everything the one sanctified purpose of forgiveness. “As your function in Heaven is creation, so your function on earth is healing.” T-12.VII.4:7
Jesus says that we won’t understand anyone or anything until we have prioritized the True and common purpose of them all. “And it is recognized that all things must be first forgiven, and [then] understood.” T-30.V.1:6 .
True awakening begins when we have made a deliberate choice to see another’s interests as not apart from our own. In contrast, the false-self in special relationships is focused on what it can get for itself alone. Consequently, when its needs are not met in relationship it quickly turns to anger and conflict, and (special) love appears to turn to hate.
I would like to clear up a typical confusion in regard to Holy Relationship. Many of us, me included, have misunderstood Jesus’ message on these relationships (see “Two Opposing Goals in Relationship”). Namely, there has been a mistaken belief that a Holy Relationship only takes one consenting individual. Yet as Jesus states in many passages, the Holy Relationship is mutual and not individual.
“Everyone seeks for love as you do, but knows it not unless he joins with you in seeking it. If you undertake the search together, you bring with you a light so powerful that what you see is given meaning. The lonely journey fails because it has excluded what it would find.” T-14.X.10:5-7
While just one person applying forgiveness is helpful in any relationship, in order to advance in our transfer of trust we will eventually require at least one equally consenting individual or more (a miracle buddy as I term it). As I’ve said before, this need not be a romantic relationship.
This is a person who agrees to prioritize the one shared and truly common purpose of forgiveness – across the board. Their moment to moment intent joined with Holy Spirit, above all else, is to see their brother as sinless, guiltless and innocent. While the form of our learning varies greatly, the content is absolutely changeless. “Its central theme is always, “God’s Son is guiltless, and in his innocence is his salvation.” M-1.3:5
A holy relationship is one in which two people have been joined in a truly common purpose by the Holy Spirit. “The relationship is holy because of that purpose.” M-2.5:4 The seeming separation, maintained by their bodies, specialness and all the roles they valued previously, disappears as they advance in their mutually shared purpose together with Holy Spirit.
“In the teaching-learning situation, each one learns that giving and receiving are the same. The demarcations they have drawn between their roles, their minds, their bodies, their needs, their interests, and all the differences they thought separated them from one another, fade and grow dim and disappear. Those who would learn the same course share one interest and one goal.” M-2.5:5-7
Once we value forgiveness as our most sacred purpose then we will use every experience to meet that goal. Yes, we may be tempted often to see others as guilty however we commit to changing our mind as soon as we can. Our priority becomes to close the seeming gap that lay between our self and another. NOTE: See The Gap diagram. Two split minds in relationship, we see the false idols of specialness in that gap. The greatest idol which feeds all others is our mistaken belief in the BODY itself.
The special love relationship is exclusive and revolves around the body. The false self believes love is compartmentalized, changing (guilt and innocence) and finite. It also believes that love can be threatened or withdrawn. It tries to hoard love and protect it. But this type of special exclusive love is purely fear in disguise.
The Holy Relationship is the opposite. It is inclusive and Spirit identified, which affirms that the shared innocence between these people (guiltlessness) is cherished above all else. There may be two or more people who share this Holy commitment to innocence. It is certainly not an exclusive relationship. In fact, as this Relationship advances Holy Spirit brings other willing people to it for further learning.
This is a lifetime commitment we make. It means that we take a vow with Holy Spirit, “No matter what and no matter who might seem to come between us, let us not abandon each other.” What does this mean? It is a declaration that we will not allow the ego’s condemnation of anything or anyone to come between us. There is no one and nothing which could threaten our lifetime commitment to see the innocent Christ in our Holy Relationship partner/s.
We recognize that our only purpose is to learn to see our brother and everyone else as blameless, as guiltless. Thus, we come to know our Self and them as the one Holy Self. While sometimes the relationship’s form (marriage, etc) may change, we vow that the content which is the innocence (Love) shared and upheld between us, never changes. This is changeless Love. As Jesus explains, “The holiness in you belongs to him. And by your seeing it in him, returns to you.” T-24.VII.2:4
In an advanced Holy Relationship we share this one common purpose of forgiveness, of accepting the Atonement with another. And we also commit to learning an entirely new way of relating which undoes all previous addictions to specialness. We do this as we abide by the discipline of “The Seven Key Principles of Holy Relationship.”
This one constant, common purpose is the only one that gives everyone and everything the one goal. It’s a purpose that thoroughly transcends false self-interests.
Forgiveness, or accepting the Atonement, is the one purpose in the world that undoes the idea of separation. When we apply this to everyone and everything, instead of misinterpreting their meaning and reacting through a filter of fear, everything literally becomes unified in the light of our having given it just one sanctified purpose – to see our own incorruptible innocence reflected in everyone.
The ego gives everyone and every event a multitude of meanings and purposes. Hence its outcomes reflect what appears as random chaos. Yet with forgiveness as a constant purpose, all events become meaningful because they are all assigned a changeless purpose. Forgiveness is the one wholly invincible and unassailable practice that cannot ever be opposed. There is no opposite which can attack it. Therefore, it is invulnerable. This is why, when two people join with forgiveness as their utmost priority – the world is healed along with them.
“Only a constant purpose can endow events with stable meaning. But it must accord [one] meaning to them all. If they are given different meanings, it must be that they reflect but different purposes.” … “Fear is a judgment never justified. Its presence has no meaning but to show you wrote a fearful script, and are afraid accordingly.” T-30.VII.3:1-3,8-9 “Escape from judgment simply lies in this; all things have but one purpose, which you share with all the world. And nothing in the world can be opposed to it, for it belongs to everything, as it belongs to you.” T-30.VII.5:1-2
As these two individuals dedicate themselves to True forgiveness, they unify their purpose together with Holy Spirit. They engage in the consistent desire to surrender their need to be right and to blame. As they commit to communicate through willingness, accountability, emotional transparency, radical self-honesty, defenselessness, trust and gratitude, forgiveness takes place naturally. And the many idols that previously sustained the gap between them are organically brought to the light to be forgiven and healed (see The Gap diagram in this Blog Post).
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